I am just going to call this one hilarious

I woke up this morning to my loving, caring, concerned husband saying “Babe…you’ve got to get up.” And when he says that what I hear is not his relatively pleasant tone.

What I hear is “OMG YOU LAZY LAZY THING! GET UP!” Because sometimes I like to just sort of…rest? in the bed in the mornings. Hovering between awake and asleep.

Anyway.

I got up and went to the closet to get some pants. I knew I was wearing the new turquoise shirt I bought on Sunday and I knew it was going to be 85 degrees today (not that I’m bragging…).

I tried on a pair of capris and no dice. They didn’t fit. Bummer. So I put on another pair. They fit. WINNING!

And bonus? They made me look skinny. DOUBLE WINNING!

(Remind me I’ve got to tell y’all my super secret to how to look skinnier, mmkay?)

Anyway.

These navy blue capris made me look skinny. Really. They did.

As I was doing my hair, Dan came into the bathroom and said “Wow, babe! That shirt is really slimming…or something. You look great!” And this man doesn’t lie. If my butt looks big he says “Well, it’s maybe not the most flattering thing you’ve ever worn…” (Good man, that one.) And I just nodded, like “Uh-huh! I am a skinny betch today!”

Because, y’all, I LOOKED skinny this morning.

So? I’m reveling in the fact that I look great and skinny and I’m feeling all awesome that it’s 65 degrees out at 7:30 in the morning. I drive to work and jam out to J. Lo’s new hit and drink my coffee and did I mention I am feeling awesome.

I go through first period and I am feeling even more awesome. My kids are getting their notecards done and I am the Queen of Freshman research papers. They are ROCKING this paper. (Except for that one kid who gets on my nerves on purpose because he thinks it is endearing. o_o ) And I might have had two travel mugs of coffee, but who cares! Today is beautiful!

Today rocks and I love it! Woohoo!

The bell rings and I head out to my classroom and realize I’ve left my keys on my desk in the classroom and the door is locked. But look! My trailer mate! So I ask for her key in passing and she hands it over. I stop into the department office on the way to check on something and her ink pen falls off her key ring.

So I bend over to pick it up.

And then?

“Kkkkkkkkrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhcccccchhhh!”

That would be the sound of the ass end of my pants ripping out. Completely. From crotch to waist band.

My hot pink panties were on full display. To the emptiness of the office, thank you baby Jesus.

(People? This is kind of a trend with me.)

I had a moment of “OMG WHAT DO I DO!?!?!” and laughed and then I remembered that Dan was going to work late this morning. He could bring me pants. YES. Awesome. That will work. I will call Dan.

So I waddled to the phone in the back of the office, holding the gaping hole in my ass closed, and I dial Dan’s number. And get his voicemail. Because he has a nasty habit of not having his phone on him and I don’t understand why HE doesn’t understand that the ass end of my pants might rip out at any time and I will need him.

But? No answer.

I called an administrator and chuckled, “Hey..umm…so I’ve got to go home because…umm…I’ve had a…uhh…wardrobe malfunction.” He cracked up.

And then? Then I was stuck. How was I going to get out to my classroom to get my keys and then get all the way to the front of the school and out to my car without flashing my panties to the world. I was too busy laughing at the hilarity of the situation.

I scanned the room and saw a co-worker’s sweater so I grabbed it and prayed it was long enough, threw it on, and then flew around the school and out the front doors. When I sat down in the car, the pants ripped a little more. And I laughed a little more.

I flew home, breaking every law of speed imaginable on the drive and pondering how, if pulled over, I would become a crazy lady and start telling the officer all about how I’d split my pants and lost my mind in one fell swoop. And then I’d start laughing again.

When I pulled in the driveway, Dan was outside. And confused.

I jumped out of the car, still laughing, and said “You need to answer your phone!” and turned around and flashed him my hot pink panties through the giant hole in my pants. Then I went running through the garage and into the house to change and fly back to school.

He followed me into the house and his eyes were about as big as I’ve ever seen them. He kept saying “I’m so sorry!”

I? Kept laughing.

I got back to school with 10 minutes to spare before my next class started and spent a few minutes chuckling to myself about how silly this had been.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have skipped the gym today after all, right?