What goes in must come out, right?

Quite a few of y’all were all “OMG! YAY! Can’t wait to go on this journey with you on your blog!” And I’m over here thinking “Okay, people…hold on to your hats…” This pregnancy is so, so very different from my pregnancy with Joshua. In so many ways. (I mean, the first of which is HELLO SURPRISE BABY!) And I know this isn’t just a case of Momnesia either. It truly was never like this.

For instance, if the urge to vom were a skill one could master, I would be leader of the Special Forces Vom Team. Because I pretty much feel like the contents of my stomach are going to reemerge at just about any given moment. Kind of like I’d imagine Special Forces teams attack their targets when their targets least expect them to attack. I’m fine one minute and searching for the nearest trash can just in case the next.

Except I don’t throw up. (Famous last words, roomies, I know. Famous last words.)

I hate vomming like I posthumously hate Hitler and will not do it if there is any way under the sun that I can even remotely stop myself.

Any time the urge to vom creeps up (sometimes literally), I say to myself, “Self? We do NOT have time for this nonsense right now!” And my self usually tells my stomach to knock it off with the special effects. So far, I haven’t vommed the entire time I’ve known I was pregnant.

But I’m hungry all.the.time. All the time. The majority of the nausea I’ve had is that weird nausea where you want to eat whatever sounds even remotely good because that seems to be the only thing that will make the nausea go away. Except it doesn’t. And when the nausea is the run-of-the-mill, nothing-sounds-good kind? I still eat because I know if I don’t it’ll be Bad News Bears when I AM finally hungry because I probably won’t be around food.

But now I also can’t poop.

It’s like a Mack truck hauling a double-trailer’s worth of…something…jack-knifed in the fast lane and shut down the north and south-bound lanes during rush hour.

Basically, my digestive traffic is at a complete halt in two directions.

To combat the vom, I’ve taken Zofran, which worked for about three days. Then I started taking B6. Then Dan bought me Sea Bands. I can’t tell yet if they’re working, but as I feel less vommy than usual, I suspect they may be. My next step? Dramamine patches behind my ears. Or accupuncture. (Seriously.)

For the south-bound…uh…log jam…I’ve got Miralax. Which isn’t so much with the mira or the lax yet. I’m close to trying Kal’s Lemon Shit Water, recipe courtesy of Blair. And if that doesn’t work…well…desperate times, people. Desperate times.

And Mama is desperate.